im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
