I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Randomize
