I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
