Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
