Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the condom got lost in my hair
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize