My liver just broke up with me...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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