I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
