all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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