I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
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