I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
