My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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