dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
