I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
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It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
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Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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