I puked a lego.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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