I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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