Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
