I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
