Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
