we made out on top of his cat.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
