He disabled his match.com account in front of me
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
