Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
