There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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