If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
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Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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