I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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