I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
