i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize
