I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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