If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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