I wanna passion pit in your ass
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
