I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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