i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
