I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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