dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
