I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
