She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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