when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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