The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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