please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
