At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
