I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
