I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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