his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
