I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
