never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
