I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
