I think I just saw someone hide a body.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
