I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
