someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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