My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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