im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
