if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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