You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
