Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
