Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
