i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
