Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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