dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
