I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
