So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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